Some days it seems like a long time ago, but I remember clearly that first morning when Stephan left early for work and I could not get back to sleep. The cramping was unbearable, the grief unimaginable; I could not find words to even pray. I tried to say the Lord's prayer, repeating over and over "thy will be done" and then trying to site Psalm 23 "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, thy rod and thy staff comfort me."
I don't know what to write, but I need to write. I want to share the deep sorrow I felt and still feel for this tiny life that was a part of me for 11 weeks. Those weeks are incredibly precious to me, I had so many thoughts about and plans for this little one and it hurts that I won't have this baby that was to share my birth month, that was going to break our tie between girls and boys, that was going to be just a few months younger than a cousin to be born in October, that I don't have to move one or both of my kids upstairs to make room for a new baby, that I can't hold my little one or say "I love you and I loved you the moment I knew you would be a part of our family," and so much more . . .
Our family and friends have been so helpful, supportive, encouraging, caring. God has been gracious in so many ways, providing deep peace knowing that this is His sovereign will, surrounding us with loving family and friends, and blessing us with each other and our dear children. When Briella asked about the baby and I told her there is no more baby, the baby is with Jesus in heaven, she just nodded and then hours later said "You have another baby later" as the tears fell I learned what it means to have childlike faith. She has often said "Mommy you sad?" then "I have hugs for you." What a blessing, I am so thankful for her and Gideon who is also generous with his hugs. They have always been precious, but even more after such a profound loss.
I have learned and grown so much. My heart aches more for those who have lost, I love my husband and children more than I thought possible, I cling to God's promises sometimes in desperation and sometimes with great confidence, I appreciate and savor my times of personal devotions, I am more thankful for the blessing of a new day of life.
There is still a hole in my heart and at times it aches to hold that baby that we waited and prayed for. Other times I am so thankful for the blessing of our family and the faith and knowledge we have been given by our heavenly Father. In that there is joy.
Please remember to pray for those who are currently waiting to get pregnant or who have lost babies before or at birth. We often overlook these hurting members of the Kingdom because not everyone shares these struggles . . .
Proverbs 16:9 "A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.
Jeremiah 31:13b "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
1 comment:
Oh Emily, I hope your heart has been comforted. I am pregnant now and due in a couple of months, but I had two miscarriages in between this pregnancy and my last baby. They are SO hard. I know what you mean about already having so many plans for that little one who is growing inside of you. Don't you feel so blessed to already have two? I think it would be SO much harder to have a miscarriage without already having a child. It was hard for me to feel sad for long periods when my little boy's happy little face was always around. I hope it has been the same for you. Your kids are adorable, by the way!
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